Randomness | Reality

Down

By on October 22, 2017

It’s been some months since I last blogged. Yes, I have been busy. There were quite a few transitions I had to go through that ate not just into my time, but into my intellectual reserves as well. Not that I have all that much to spare in the first place, but sometimes you just have to do what you’ve gotta do and that’s it.

Needless to say, it’s been a bit hard for me and I’ve had a rough time coping with it all. It doesn’t really help my pessimistic and depression-prone tendencies at all. That dark cloud has been hanging heavily over me lately. I feel numb and hopeless and lethargic. Right now I’m not seeing any sort of light in my life.

I wish I could sleep and then wake up to find that everything’s better. But I’m too much of a realist to take stock in wishful thinking. So I just languish here in the misery that is my life.

callig-siggy

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Mommy Thoughts | Randomness | Reality

Mental Snapshots

By on September 30, 2013
  • That time at the mall while I was on the queue to the counter and father and daughter were off watching something on the nearby Astroplus. Then they were coming towards me running and grinning widely, and he lifted her up laughing on the air and the full skirt of her dress ballooned as he set her down again. The look of sheer joy on their faces is burned into my memory. Priceless.
  • The look of pride and amazement on his face as our little girl showed off for him, identifying all the items on her alphabet chart and books correctly.
  • That blurry (thanks to my myopic eyes) image of him I see first thing in the morning beside me.

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Randomness | Reality

The younger Me

By on April 15, 2013

I still manage to amaze myself sometimes. Seriously. I was reading entries on one of my old blogs, and I can’t get over how candid I was before. Like, totally no pretensions or sugarcoating or any of that bullshit. If I feel like shit, I’ll write shit. If I feel ridiculously sentimental, I’ll write mush. I miss that I guess. Probably because it was more of a (very) personal online journal than anything, that’s why I don’t hold back. Let me give you a sample (an unsent letter actually) from around 2004:

my friend, you will never know how much damage you caused me. you made me fall, you made me love you, but in the end you let me fall anyway to the cold hard ground and caught somebody else in your arms. and left me for dead on the ground. you walked away without a backward glance, to see if i incurred any bruises, welts or broken bones. or maybe you know. you do know but are too much of a coward to face the wreck you’ve caused.

up to now i’m still reeling from the blows that came my way since you left. blows that came from no one else but me. from my stupidity, my gullibility, my vulnerability. i was once hurt and thought i could never love again, but then you came and proved me wrong. you showered me with affection, with love, with life. you told me i could bounce back to life and helped me do exactly that. i was grateful and happy that you did. you raised me back from the dead, a feat impossible to achieve yet you managed anyway. you became my hero, my protector, my salvation.

so how was i supposed to know that you’d later be the cause of my undoing? i wish now that i’ve never known you, that you’ve never entered nor touched my life, that you’ve never existed in my world. but i know that’s impossible. i knew you, you changed my life and now you’ve ruined me.

i’d like to think that someday i’d be back to normal, or resume any semblance of normalcy i once possessed, but somehow i think i’ll never–i can never–go back to that. you’ve damaged way too big a part of me for me to pick up the broken pieces of myself and be whole again.

is there no more hope for me? i loved too much, trusted too much, left nothing for myself. and the worst thing is that all of that was for nothing. the person whom i loved so much, given so much of myself, is gone. you’re gone my friend. gone and left me here all alone to deal with the mess that you left behind. the mess that’s none other than me.

i hate you. i want to hate you. i want to love you. i still love you. you inspire so much emotion in me that one mention of your name sends my whole being to another dimension where the only things that exist are me, the hurt and your absence. it hurts so much. i want you to know, i want you to feel even just an inkling of what i’m going through because of you. but i know you can’t. you can’t because you won’t. you now live in another world, a world where i don’t even exist. you won’t have anything more to do with me because of what i am. because i threaten your security, threaten the perfect little world you created after you left me. because you know me too much. you know how much havoc i can wreak if you let me enter your world once again. so you shut me out and leave me in the cold.

where are the promises you once made? where have the friendship and love gone? have you buried everything we shared in the back of your mind–or forgotten them all altogether? do you still know me? am i that easy to forget?

so many questions, no way to find the answers. fuck you my friend. fuck you for all that you are and for all that you’ve done. you will never be forgiven, much less forgotten. for as long as i live i will never forget what you did to me. you will never be in peace until i say so. in the back of your mind, in the silence of the night, in every time you stop to think and assess your life, you will think of me and remember the person you saved from misery only to drown in sorrow later on. and you will never forget. you can never forget.

Can you feel the acidic hate, the hurt, the rawness as I wrote that entry? I swear it got my heart pounding from all that negativity. Geez. That, and I used to write so well. Uh, what happened? 😮

I don’t know if it’s just part of growing up or what, but these days I tend to censor my blog posts. Nothing too personal, nothing too dark, nothing too extreme. And I don’t even know exactly why I do that in the first place. It’s not like this is a commercial blog and I have a gazillion followers in the first place (ha, dream on!) who would call me out on my cussing or whatever. Oh well. Maybe this is a wake-up call.

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Books | Reviews

Twisted Love

By on April 5, 2013

Warning: The following review contains spoilers and, ahem, not-very-kid-friendly language. If you have not read the books and would appreciate discovering the twists and turns as you read along, you could stop reading this right now. Otherwise, proceed to the rest of the post. Enjoy. ;)

040413 gone girlGone Girl – ★★★★☆

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Books | Mommy Thoughts | Reality

Of fiction, sacrifice, mothers and daughters

By on March 18, 2013

Prior to writing this, I was reading in bed, selfishly unmindful of work tomorrow morning. I was reading The Crown of Embers (Fire and Thorn #2) and I was in a part where hard choices and sacrifice were the focal point of the characters. I was totally engrossed and completely lost in the story. Then my sleeping daughter turned to me and flung an arm and a leg across me, unconsciously wrapping me in a hug. And that abruptly jerks me out of my imaginary world and crashing back into reality.

But my mind was still hung over from the story, and I ended up asking myself, could I give my life for her if need be? Could I die for her? I love her; of that, there is no question. I know my answer should be a resounding, unhesitating YES. But I have been a selfish creature for most (if not all) of my life, and like any egoist worth her salt, I value my own life, thank you very much. But I would sacrifice my life for hers, I know that much. Key word: sacrifice. Because I know that survival is an instinct and I am well aware that it burns brightly within me. But I would forego that if it means saving her. Yes, a sacrifice in the truest sense.

With that came an insight, a reaffirmation of something that has been on my mind for a while now. I need my daughter more than she needs me. Should I ever be taken from her side, I know that she’ll still be loved and well taken care of. Our family would be more than happy to bring her up and live in love. Whereas without her, I would be lost. Completely and utterly lost.

She undoes me with her innocence and love. Like when she spontaneously gives me a hug. Or when she makes her pa-cute smile when she knows I’m pissed off at what she did. Or when I get all Monster Mom at her (when she gets particularly  obstinate stubborn frustrating) and she hugs me and calls Mommy! Mommy! like she’s calling me out of the pissed, scary shell I was wearing. Her infectious laughter. Her natural exuberance and zest for life.

I need my daughter to stay human. Because without her, I am just a fire/ice creature with but a little bit of humanity in me.

 

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