Prior to writing this, I was reading in bed, selfishly unmindful of work tomorrow morning. I was reading The Crown of Embers (Fire and Thorn #2) and I was in a part where hard choices and sacrifice were the focal point of the characters. I was totally engrossed and completely lost in the story. Then my sleeping daughter turned to me and flung an arm and a leg across me, unconsciously wrapping me in a hug. And that abruptly jerks me out of my imaginary world and crashing back into reality.

But my mind was still hung over from the story, and I ended up asking myself, could I give my life for her if need be? Could I die for her? I love her; of that, there is no question. I know my answer should be a resounding, unhesitating YES. But I have been a selfish creature for most (if not all) of my life, and like any egoist worth her salt, I value my own life, thank you very much. But I would sacrifice my life for hers, I know that much. Key word: sacrifice. Because I know that survival is an instinct and I am well aware that it burns brightly within me. But I would forego that if it means saving her. Yes, a sacrifice in the truest sense.

With that came an insight, a reaffirmation of something that has been on my mind for a while now. I need my daughter more than she needs me. Should I ever be taken from her side, I know that she’ll still be loved and well taken care of. Our family would be more than happy to bring her up and live in love. Whereas without her, I would be lost. Completely and utterly lost.

She undoes me with her innocence and love. Like when she spontaneously gives me a hug. Or when she makes her pa-cute smile when she knows I’m pissed off at what she did. Or when I get all Monster Mom at her (when she gets particularly  obstinate stubborn frustrating) and she hugs me and calls Mommy! Mommy! like she’s calling me out of the pissed, scary shell I was wearing. Her infectious laughter. Her natural exuberance and zest for life.

I need my daughter to stay human. Because without her, I am just a fire/ice creature with but a little bit of humanity in me.

 

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