For the past months, I have not updated this blog as much as I would have wanted–mostly because of the pressure I exert on myself to post something worth reading (not that I have a lot of readers or followers to begin with). And therein lies my weakness.
Despite the lack of updates here, my overly caffeinated katawang-lupa is actually very much alive and twitching. This is just a very quick update and heads up, as well as a promise to myself that I will resume blogging regularly (or as often as circumstances allow).
This also serves as a reminder to myself that I must walk the talk and be as transparent as I could be, letting unfiltered thoughts gush through my mind to my fingertips and straight to my keyboard. As such, do expect some cuss words every now and then as I am not exactly the nicest person ever (though probably not the worst either as I am not a serial killer or something). Whooo, my morbid thoughts are already starting to manifest! Again, the aim here is to express, not to impress. With that, I’ll leave you with my latest FB status to that effect:
As much as I try to be civil, I tend to not sugarcoat what I’m really trying to say. Bluntness has always been my strongest/weakest point, depending on how you look at it. 🤷
It’s been some months since I last blogged. Yes, I have been busy. There were quite a few transitions I had to go through that ate not just into my time, but into my intellectual reserves as well. Not that I have all that much to spare in the first place, but sometimes you just have to do what you’ve gotta do and that’s it.
Needless to say, it’s been a bit hard for me and I’ve had a rough time coping with it all. It doesn’t really help my pessimistic and depression-prone tendencies at all. That dark cloud has been hanging heavily over me lately. I feel numb and hopeless and lethargic. Right now I’m not seeing any sort of light in my life.
I wish I could sleep and then wake up to find that everything’s better. But I’m too much of a realist to take stock in wishful thinking. So I just languish here in the misery that is my life.
So I was looking for another short quote to use for calligraphy practice. Instead of heading over to trusty, old Google, I decided to look for book quotes I ‘clipped’ on my Kindle. And this caught my fancy.
Was reading old written works of mine and I can’t help feeling empty, drained and hollow. Where did my old fire go? What happened to that sass? I feel so pathetic right now compared to the writer that I was before. It would seem that it is not just my physical body that is deteriorating with time and age.
I don’t necessarily live a happy life now, though it has its sparkling moments. But the darkness that was my muse is now as elusive as the ‘normalcy’ I craved before. Instead of black, I now see in dull, boring gray. There’s nothing there to inspire or ire me enough to get the creative juices flowing.
I am not high, but not low either. How mediocre.
Trigger warning: This is one of my most personal posts ever.
This is one of Adele’s many heart-breakingly beautiful songs. I can’t listen to this without feeling its emotional pull, never mind that I never was in the song’s exact circumstance.
But I almost was. Though my guy and I have been together now for more than a decade now, there was a time before when I honestly thought everything was over between us. Had we not gotten back together, I would have been literally singing this song with matching tears and snot. It would have hurt that bad. Why? Allow me to tell you one of the most painful parts of our story…