unfiltered & caffeinated

translating my thoughts into words and pictures, one cup of coffee at a time
Randomness | Reality

Straight-Out Brain Dump

July 17, 2020

It’s a little past 2 in the morning, I can’t sleep and I made a haphazard vodka cranberry drink to keep me company. I still have more than half the laptop’s battery charge so I should be good for a little more thoughts before I need to either lug this 17-inch monstrosity back upstairs or try to untangle its power cord from the veritable web of cables and chargers in our room and bring it down here to the kitchen. Yey, me.

These past coupla days have been hard. With this covid situation, it’s still not a good idea to go out and about. Not that I can really go out in the first place, since I have nowhere to go anyway. Sucks either way. So far the best thing I’ve found is sitting on the back deck with my Kindle and a huge cup of coffee. With the birds chirping in the background and the wind-chimes singing in the cool breeze, I can almost pretend that I have some semblance of peace and freedom. Almost.

They say, be careful what you wish for because it might come true. Way to make a positive thought creepy, right? But yeah, I gotta say I agree. Every good thing has a catch. Or two. Or a dozen. Whatever the case, fulfilled wishes don’t always turn out the way you wanted and envisioned. It always has a dark side, so to speak. Something I should have learned by now. Way to go, self.

Halfway through my drink now, and thinking if I should just have straight-up vodka after, maybe just with ice. Maybe it would get me drunk faster and actually make me sleepy. Maybe I’ll really try it after I finish this. Because yeah, right now I just wanna get drunk and maybe escape for even a coupla hours. Is that too much to ask?

I want to overhaul this blog’s aesthetics. Go back to my older self, my black and dark colors. To match my current state of mind. And now, the downstairs lamp just went out, plunging me in almost complete darkness. Nothing dramatic though, it was just the work of the automatic timer. Still, feels like a validation of my decision to go back to embracing my darker side once more.

My daughter just sent me video of her feeding her pet parakeet from the palm of her hand. Being in lockdown and not having any playmates right now, her pet is her constant companion. I can see how she loves that little bird and right now all I could think is how hard she’ll take it when her pet dies. Morbid, I know. But having had and losing pets before (why do these things have to be so short-lived despite all the care they are showered with anyway?), I just know it’ll be really hard on her. Hell, she cried herself to sleep not just once when she remembered her dead pets. And none of those were as much-loved as this one. My poor, soft-hearted baby. She is so precious.

I think the vodka’s starting to kick in. My movements suddenly started feeling lighter and more disconnected. Maybe I won’t need that shot of straight vodka after, after all. We’ll see in a few more minutes. I only have a fourth of my drink left.

I must remember to send a message to my husband before I go to sleep. He’s probably asleep by now, snoring with nary a care for the world. He’ll be able to read it in the morning while I’m zonked out (hopefully). Insomnia can be the pits sometimes. Or is this even insomnia, or just a decidedly nocturnal body clock I’m blessed/cursed with?

Soooo… what else have I got to write/type here? I’m listening to my sad music right now, to match my melancholy mood. Not all songs I could relate to at the moment though, but the feeling behind is what matters right now. I just want to wallow in all my depressed glory. It’s been a while since I’ve really fully given into it. It feels comfortable, like a warm and cozy blanket during a particularly chill morning. Maybe I should do this more often.

I feel kinda buzzed now, but not enough yet. My drink is finished already, wow. I didn’t even notice. Yep, definitely getting that vodka shot now. Gimme a coupla minutes to get it.

There, got it. And I peed too. And in the middle of it, I realized I might just have a hangover when I wake up, not having had this much alcohol in my system for a while now. Looking for hangover cures besides coffee right now, gimme a sec. Oh, I just remembered I didn’t have a decent meal all day to soak up the alcohol. Prior to my drink, I had a few Reese’s Pieces, if that counts. Otherwise, all I’ve had all day was a coupla cups of coffee.

Fuck, pure vodka is so bitter. I coughed right after my first sip. So yeah, I’ll be diluting it with more cranberry and lime juices because I’m a coward like that. I mean, if I’m gonna get drunk the same, might as well not have it taste so darn awful, right?

Found some lemon juice in the fridge as well, so I tried adding just that to the vodka. And fuck, but did that taste even worse. So yeah, I ended up finishing my bottle of cranberry juice to make it more palatable. No worries though, as I still have three more backup bottles of the stuff in the garage fridge, two of them care of my thoughtful husband. Why do I have loads of the stuff? It’s not like it tastes that good, but I have a history of UTI from eating a heck of a lot of junk food. Doesn’t really help that we have several bags of salty chips here for snacking, plus some more for backup. Like, I’ve almost finished a party-sized Doritos and still there’s two more bags of party-sized Cheetos in here for backup. Amazing, right? Costco sales are the best, I gotta say.

Fuck, but I’m feeling light-headed and have only had a sip of my new Franken-drink. I think I’ll just try and ramble on while I still have some laptop juice, hit Post when it says low battery, and leave the goddamn thing here on the kitchen table when I go back to bed. I kinda don’t trust myself to make it to the bedroom with such a heavy laptop while drunk. Hee hee. I might likely drop it in the middle of the staircase, wake the whole house up with my howl, and wreck the whole thing in the process. Thanks, but no thanks. I like having a PC of my own, never mind that it’s my husband’s hand-me-down (hey, a gaming laptop is nothing to turn your nose up at, even if it’s a coupla years old).

I’m starting to feel sleepy now, but I have no plans of snoozing on the dining room table (and maybe even drooling sometime in the night). My glass is still about 2/3 full so I gotta finish that at least, maybe even try to wash it before I go up. Still 50-50 on the washing though. I might be too inebriated by the time I finish this drink. We’ll see. And, another sip.

Looking at hangover cures right now, and I’m proud to say I still remember Ctrl+W to close every tab after reading. And I still try to get my grammar as proper as I could given my current state of intoxication. So far, the only squiggly red lines I see are those for words I [intentionally] misspelled. Yey, me. Grammar Nazi to the core. Let’s take another swig to that!

Okay. I think washing my used glass is out of the question now. It’s all I could do to walk straight to the sink and not drop the stupid glass, and then stumble upstairs in a few. Right after I’ve indulged some more in my depressed thoughts. And pee before going to bed.

Okay. I gotta go upstairs while I still think I can. Till next time.

callig-siggy

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