Well, sorta. As you can see, I changed the header, layout, widgets, blog name and description. Only the content remains. Apparently, I fell in love with the title of my last post and it stuck. 😉 That, and I was originally just looking for a new layout and the one that caught my eye (and heart) just happened to be camera-themed. So it must be destiny or something. 😛
On a related note, just sharing this beautiful quote I found somewhere on the web:
A fitting start for this new chapter of my blog. Feeling positive and even somewhat cheery as I am typing this, and that is a good thing. I hope this keeps up. Hopefully inspiring me to come up with more meaningful blog posts in the future. Keeping my fingers crossed! 🙂
So, what do you think of my newly overhauled blog?
Apparently, I have run out of photos, ideas and in general the brain power required to keep this blog updated. So I guess this blog is going on a (hopefully) short hiatus while I collect bits and pieces to post here. But I’ll leave this post with a happy
Feeling sorta restless so I changed my blog layout just a little bit:
I added a header image and changed the background. Still shades of light grey (FYI, my prior layout was done before I ever heard of Christian Grey ;)) but of a different design. While at it, I changed my signature as well (see end of the post). And I also added a widget to display the cover of whatever book I’m currently reading.
Not exactly an overhaul, but changes nonetheless. So what do you think? 🙂
I still manage to amaze myself sometimes. Seriously. I was reading entries on one of my old blogs, and I can’t get over how candid I was before. Like, totally no pretensions or sugarcoating or any of that bullshit. If I feel like shit, I’ll write shit. If I feel ridiculously sentimental, I’ll write mush. I miss that I guess. Probably because it was more of a (very) personal online journal than anything, that’s why I don’t hold back. Let me give you a sample (an unsent letter actually) from around 2004:
my friend, you will never know how much damage you caused me. you made me fall, you made me love you, but in the end you let me fall anyway to the cold hard ground and caught somebody else in your arms. and left me for dead on the ground. you walked away without a backward glance, to see if i incurred any bruises, welts or broken bones. or maybe you know. you do know but are too much of a coward to face the wreck you’ve caused.
up to now i’m still reeling from the blows that came my way since you left. blows that came from no one else but me. from my stupidity, my gullibility, my vulnerability. i was once hurt and thought i could never love again, but then you came and proved me wrong. you showered me with affection, with love, with life. you told me i could bounce back to life and helped me do exactly that. i was grateful and happy that you did. you raised me back from the dead, a feat impossible to achieve yet you managed anyway. you became my hero, my protector, my salvation.
so how was i supposed to know that you’d later be the cause of my undoing? i wish now that i’ve never known you, that you’ve never entered nor touched my life, that you’ve never existed in my world. but i know that’s impossible. i knew you, you changed my life and now you’ve ruined me.
i’d like to think that someday i’d be back to normal, or resume any semblance of normalcy i once possessed, but somehow i think i’ll never–i can never–go back to that. you’ve damaged way too big a part of me for me to pick up the broken pieces of myself and be whole again.
is there no more hope for me? i loved too much, trusted too much, left nothing for myself. and the worst thing is that all of that was for nothing. the person whom i loved so much, given so much of myself, is gone. you’re gone my friend. gone and left me here all alone to deal with the mess that you left behind. the mess that’s none other than me.
i hate you. i want to hate you. i want to love you. i still love you. you inspire so much emotion in me that one mention of your name sends my whole being to another dimension where the only things that exist are me, the hurt and your absence. it hurts so much. i want you to know, i want you to feel even just an inkling of what i’m going through because of you. but i know you can’t. you can’t because you won’t. you now live in another world, a world where i don’t even exist. you won’t have anything more to do with me because of what i am. because i threaten your security, threaten the perfect little world you created after you left me. because you know me too much. you know how much havoc i can wreak if you let me enter your world once again. so you shut me out and leave me in the cold.
where are the promises you once made? where have the friendship and love gone? have you buried everything we shared in the back of your mind–or forgotten them all altogether? do you still know me? am i that easy to forget?
so many questions, no way to find the answers. fuck you my friend. fuck you for all that you are and for all that you’ve done. you will never be forgiven, much less forgotten. for as long as i live i will never forget what you did to me. you will never be in peace until i say so. in the back of your mind, in the silence of the night, in every time you stop to think and assess your life, you will think of me and remember the person you saved from misery only to drown in sorrow later on. and you will never forget. you can never forget.
Can you feel the acidic hate, the hurt, the rawness as I wrote that entry? I swear it got my heart pounding from all that negativity. Geez. That, and I used to write so well. Uh, what happened? 😮
I don’t know if it’s just part of growing up or what, but these days I tend to censor my blog posts. Nothing too personal, nothing too dark, nothing too extreme. And I don’t even know exactly why I do that in the first place. It’s not like this is a commercial blog and I have a gazillion followers in the first place (ha, dream on!) who would call me out on my cussing or whatever. Oh well. Maybe this is a wake-up call.